I like listening to the sounds I make when I have earbuds in my ears. The earbuds have to be the foam sealed ones and the sounds are just little grunts and groans.
It feels like being in bed early in the morning, still half asleep. Deep under the weight of the covers with my warm dog buried in the curve of my back and my wife on the opposite side melodically breathing. The earbuds help put me into the state of wanting to write. Lately I find it hard to locate the desire to write. It seems like a self-indulgent unimportant act that yields little or no satisfaction. Pointless really. My intent to do things is much stronger than the motivation. I sigh and stretch out my spine at the thought of it. Then I begin to review all of the intentions I have. There are a lot. Do we all have a long list of intentions?
I close my eyes, half-yawn and blink a few times to clear the blur from watering eyes. Yawning will do that, make your eyes water.
Today when I woke up and thought about this blog I recalled how just a few months ago it was such a big deal for me to have turned 50. Now it just seems like another day, like I have been 50 forever. I look around me and see things change faster than they have in the past and I realize it must be something to do with me not changing along with the world. The “world” isn’t really aware of change, only those that are not influenced by, or not participating in the change, see change. This makes the observation of change somewhat redundant.
When you live in the mindset of “retrospective” I think it restricts your ability to practice forward thinking. Forward thinking is the fuel for motivation. If we are not careful we can get snared into a state of mental paralysis. What do I mean by this? Well, think cyclical thinking. Riding the hamster-wheel of routine in a state of unconscious time-burning. We all do this – and at instances like this one I ask myself have I been riding the hamster-wheel right up until the moment I realize it and express this thought in the here and now? After the thought, how long will it take for me to climb back on again?
There are long stints of time that reveal little or nothing. I find myself aware of these chunks of time when someone asks me what is new and I come up empty. Or when I visit friends and realize there really is nothing to talk about so we cycle through our usual conversational agendas, going through the motions like it’s all so spontaneous. Where did all that time go? Why is there nothing to make of it? The lack of events or new experiences truncate time itself. Routine is the accelerant of life.
It comes down to one fact – in the long run we may conclude that our time in general is/was short. But during the actual time there are instances when moments can seem like an eternity. When you catch yourself in a thought – whatever it may be. Thought runs as deep as eternity. I know I am heading into existential territory – I will pull back out in a minute. If you make an attempt to look at the complexity of your own thoughts depending on how far into Dar Tellum you travel. You will find an unending black pool into eternity.
Dar Tellum is a book published in 1973 about a boy that looks deep into his thoughts and finds himself being pulled deeper and deeper until he begins to communicate with what he perceives is an entity from another world. Think of it like this – close your eyes and stare intently at the back of your eyelids. Focus on the electro-impulses and sparks that you can see in the blackness. Follow them deeper and deeper into a state of meditative consciousness.
Thinking can be infinite, but life is over in an instant.
Ok time to stop being so fatalistic. Time to climb back up on that wheel and get rolling. Jesus, these coffee shops can really make a person self-involved. Lets change the subject and talk about Scarlet Johansen or something even more superficial like what makes me mad and like can you totally relate to me? Please like me.
I shake off all of this and look around me. There is a guy getting a coffee that has a huge black spider tattooed on his neck. It looks gross and makes me feel dirty. I start thinking about how one might rationalize the concept of getting that image tattooed onto your neck. Is there something I don’t understand? Maybe the sole purpose of a tattoo like that is to promote the current reaction I am having towards it.
It looks like this is all I got today. I am finally going to go public with this site now. There is enough here now so that if people actually want to read there’s a good chunk and good variety.